Hillary Clinton is set to release a memoir about how she lost the 2016 presidential election to a reality television show huckster who paints his face orange. In her new book “What Happened” set to be released in September, Clinton is expected to loosen a few of the buttons on the jacket of her pants suit and show us what happens when Hillary Clinton stops being polite and starts being real—I think this is also the opening line to The Real World.
“In the past, for reasons I try to explain, I’ve often felt I had to be careful in public, like I was up on a wire without a net,” Clinton says in the book’s introduction. “Now I’m letting my guard down,” CBS News reports.
Oh shit! Come through, Hillary! I already feel like I like this new Hillary, but something tells me that her idea of letting her guard down, and our collective idea of her letting her guard down are even remotely the same. Like when my 70-year-old diabetic mom says she’s going to “get crazy” when we’re at a restaurant, she orders a daiquiri and we all know that means her blood sugar levels are going to spike and she’s going to start sweating and laughing a lot. Point is, my mom’s crazy is probably closer to Hillary’s letting her guard down but nowhere near any of my drunken nights.
So we at The Roothave decided that we’d like to offer Hillary a few pointers if she really wants to resonate with our readers, and truthfully Hillary has had a hard time resonating with our readers. Oh yeah, we haven’t forgotten we are like the North out this bitch: “Bring them to heel” and “Super predators” anyone?
But let’s be clear those of us who don’t eat creamed chip beef would like to think that you would’ve had mad a better president and as such we have a few tips on the title that you can send to your publisher Simon & Schuster should you see fit.
We hate the title. Hate it! We know what happened: you lost. And whether it has something to do with Russia or white women votes, you lost. While your memoir may be exposing some pieces that we haven’t heard before we think you should go with something a little catchier. Here are five options that may work better.
1. What Had Happened Was
I know it doesn’t seem like much but adding “had” and “was” into the title let’s our readership know that the rest of the story is about to be bullshit and excuses.
2. Fuck Y’all: How I Lost The 53% of White Women Despite Being a White Woman
I mean, it’s just true.
3. A Handmaid’s Tale
This is a stretch and a marketing ploy that could work. This title won’t resonate with our readers as I don’t think your story has anything to do with the actual series of the same name, but white women love this show and if you don’t want to appeal to the black audience then naming it after the story of white slavery will work.
4. But, My Emails Doe
I think you have to go with the unconventional spelling of “though” as black people love to shorten words for no reasons. The uncommon spelling of “though” will really resonate with a black audience.
5. Crooked Hillary: The Story of a ‘Nasty Woman’
I know what you are thinking as this isn’t the image you want to portray but I think we could use this as a rap moniker that could really help sell you in the black community. Think of it as the N-word, a word that started with a negative connotation but was later embraced by the black community. With this title you are taking all of the negative things that President Trump has said about you and turning them on there head. I’m also thinking you could look at changing the cover art to something like Lil Kim’s “Hardcore” album cover.
Again, these are all suggestions assuming Hillary wants her memoir to resonate with a black audience should you want to discuss any of these further, please contact The Root’s Managing Editor Danielle Belton.
