Rob Kardashian has always been an enigma trapped inside a reality-based family, trapped inside a high-priced cashmere throw, trapped inside a high-backed couch in a rented home in Calabasas, Calif. He always felt like the imprisoned Kardashian who had trouble keeping up. At one point he was a model, and then his weight and reported depression increased. He didn’t want to be filmed anymore, and behind a doctor’s door we heard Rob Kardashian break down.
Don’t get it twisted. Kardashian has used his weight and mental state to re-create himself into this lovable loaf who’s looking for true love. Never forget that he is as deplorable as his vapid sisters. Let’s also not forget that he once manhandled and smacked his then-fiancee Adrienne Bailon; or, as one YouTube poster put it: “Skinny Rob was out here slappin’ bitches.”
Rob Kardashian is a mess, and he has been for a while. But don’t let that mess fool you. He has more help and money than most normal folks. He has access to health care and trainers and weight specialists. According to his own social media messages, he had $100,000 to pay for his now estranged (but is she really?) lady friend Blac Chyna’s body surgery after the baby. So the world’s tinniest turntable is spinning 808s & Heartbreak especially for him.
But really, who among us whose name doesn’t rhyme with “Flob Flardashian” didn’t see this coming? And now he is following the fuckboy playbook under the section titled “Give Me Back My Football,” and asking for all his stuff back.
According to TMZ, and as the G-20 summit is underway, the country of Kardashiana is cutting Chyna off. Kardashian has reportedly confiscated all his trinkets from Chyna because that is what people who pay for relationships do when those relationships end.
Chyna claims that Kardashian was abusive, and while no one—outside of Chyna, Kardashian, Bailon, the camera workers behind Keeping Up With the Kardashians and the spinoff show, plus all of us who have seen skinny Rob out here smacking women—knows whether or not he is abusive, by the way, he is. So let’s stop acting as if Blac Chyna robbed this poor soul of his dignity when she twerked into his life and backed out the drive in a pink Ferrari.
Rob Kardashian paid for services that were rendered, and don’t be mad at Blac Chyna because she saw him coming a mile away. But had the relationship made it to the altar and the two joined forces, Blac Chyna would have become Blac Kardashian, and thus the circle would have been complete.