I’m beginning to think y’all’s president is a fake-ass Mona Scott-Young. Well, Mona Scott-Young if Mona Scott-Young were a 71-year-old white man with the intellectual curiosity of Cujo (after Cujo was shot dead), and the emotional intelligence of a raging teenager who just gulped the last bottle of Four Loko in North America. Yes, that’s it.
The longer this disaster of an administration goes on, the more it feels as if anyone who chooses to work at the White House faces risks more akin to a rookie reality-television personality than to any political appointee. Usually, a political staffer may be ousted, but at the very least, they can keep their dignity, marriages and spines intact as they go pimp the speaker and TV-pundit circuit. Not so much with Sweet Potato Saddam’s administration.
No, no. You enter this bitch, and chances are you will leave with irreparable damage to your reputation. Of course, it’s unsurprising that a reality-TV-star candidate for president runs his White House as if it were a reality show. And considering that 45 cares only about Twitter, various strains of prejudice, golf and yelling at cable news, I imagine that the man would much rather pit his staff against one another and let chaos ensue than read his daily briefs.
But at least reality stars walk away from national embarrassment with a new stream of income by way of a mixtape, liquor line, Instagram boutique or invitation to join the cast of the new season of WE tv’s Marriage Boot Camp. What are newly departed fools of Sweet Potato Saddam’s administration leaving with? I almost feel bad for the newly fired fools, who signed up to serve a disloyal, lazy thot who ultimately plays the shit out of each of them. I say “almost”
because when you sign up to work for white supremacy’s equivalent of the D-League, this is what your ass gets.
Anthony Scaramucci
To that end, let us begin with Anthony Scaramucci, who somehow managed the feat of being fired before he officially started his job.
What makes Scaramucci’s dismissal as communications director especially hilarious is that he was just talking cash-money shit to the New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza:
“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channelled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)
I wouldn’t say I liked Scaramucci, but I did find him entertaining. He also seemed like someone that, too, enjoys Deion Sanders’ underappreciated bop, “Must Be the Money.” (Beyoncé likes it, too.)
My favorite part of the New Yorker interview:
Scaramucci also told me that, unlike other senior officials, he had no interest in media attention. “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” he said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.” (Bannon declined to comment.)
Steve Bannon doesn’t appear to be that limber, but I believe Scaramucci. Not long after this interview ran, chief of staff Reince Priebus resigned, only to be replaced by John Kelly, who immediately decided to fire Scaramucci over the New Yorker interview. That’s what they’re saying, anyway.
We can say the choice to can Scaramucci was rooted in the vulgarity displayed in this now iconic interview, but it likely has more to do with Scaramucci getting too much attention. Lord knows 45 is more like Diana Ross and the Supremes than Destiny’s Child after LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson left and the group made sure every single member got a solo on her songs.
No. 45 is the only soloist, and all his doo-wop pop pop chicks best not get too loud on the mic. Look what happened to the Mooch: He got too loud and was promptly escorted off the White House premises.
While all of this is happening, we find out that Scaramucci’s wife, Deidre Scaramucci, filed for divorce while she was nine months pregnant. A source told Page Six, “When [the baby] James was born, he sent her a text saying, ‘Congratulations, I’ll pray for our child.’” This same source added, “She’s mad. They aren’t really speaking right now. The [pain] runs deep. [Anthony] tells her she’s not that smart, that he’s out of her league.”
So while Scaramucci was out here praising 45 as if he’d nursed him at birth, he put down his pregnant wife while berating his new co-workers. Now he is single, sold his company for naught and has bragging rights as the shortest-serving incoming White House communications director in U.S. history.
There have been a few saying they feel bad for Scaramucci. Why? He’s a soulless person who forfeited his beliefs, his marriage and his business in order to attain power. His pursuits led him to bend the knee to a con man who behaved exactly as expected.
Congratulations, fool. You got exactly what you deserved.
Sean Spicer
That leads me to now-former White House press secretary and communications director Sean Spicer, who resigned in protest over Scaramucci’s hiring. There are some folks asking whether Spicer will rescind his resignation in light of Scaramucci’s dismissal. Lyin’ Spice knows that when you start singing freedom’s song, you don’t suddenly turn mute.
I’d rather not see the likes of Spicer on Dancing With the Stars, but him dancing off the beat in a poorly fitting suit sounds a lot less humiliating than continuing to watch Lyin’ Spice go on national television and yell at the press for not believing lies we all know even he doesn’t believe. But if Spicer did take the job, that means Kellyanne Conway would seek a similar slot on a future season, so never mind. I’m not sure what Spicer does next, but he would best serve what’s left of his sanity if he left the White House while he still can.
Spicer used to be an annoying Republican who toed the party line on the Sunday news shows like every other political hack. Maybe he even believed some of the nonsense he used to spew on TV, but as press secretary, he treated the truth as if it were the finest brand of toilet paper he had ever known, and all he got in return was his boss telling him he looked bad in his suits.
The man got so stressed about daily briefings that he turned the cameras off to avoid further roasting from 45. The man made Spicer’s job a living hell, but what’s truly something is that Spicer resigned over Scaramucci’s hiring and ended up being right about him, yet both of them are on the outs. Insert laugh track.
Farewall, Lyin’ Spice. You got what you deserved, too.
Reince Priebus
And then there is former chief of staff Reince Priebus, who, even after his humiliation, continues to whisper sweet nothings about that orange bag of stupid.
From The Atlantic’s “The Final Humiliation of Reince Priebus”:
But the White House is mired in chaos, and all that Republican power has yet to result in a single major policy achievement. Priebus’s critics view him as the man who sold his party out to Donald Trump. Was it really worth it, I asked?
“It’s absolutely worth it,” Priebus said, pointing to the appointment of a conservative Supreme Court justice, regulatory reform, and a healthy economy, though he acknowledged health care remained “an obstacle.” “The president has accomplished an incredible amount of things in the last six months,” he added. “The future can be great, and the past has been pretty good.” Even in exile, he was still committed to spinning the Trump line.
What’s the political equivalent of “dick too bomb”? That’s Priebus in this interview. I thought about saying more about Priebus, but if 45 decided to treat him like a “non-motherfucking-factor bitch” for six months, why rock the boat (work the middle)? Next.
John Kelly
Initially, I was a little fearful of a retired general taking the reins of this White House as chief of staff. After all, the only bright side of this ongoing shit show is that as evil and vile as their political ideologies are, they’ve yet to bring as much havoc to the masses because they’re so bad at governing. In theory, the discipline of a military man might whip these suckers into shape. However, 45 is not going to change.
Saddle Tan Nixon is going to continue being the same messy bitch who lives for drama that he’s always been. As fate would have it, on the new chief of staff’s day one of duty, the Washington Post reported that it was 45 who dictated his son’s misleading statement about his meeting with the Russian lawyer last year.
So the characters on The Real Housewives of White Supremacy may change, but 45 is still the NeNe Leakes of the bunch, which means that it won’t be long now before Kelly finds the nearest exit or is told that his services are no longer needed. It’s also just as likely that Boy Wonder Kushner and the Favorite Trump Child will bypass Kelly’s authority every chance they get to offer 45 either bad advice or advice like, “Don’t ban trans soldiers, Daddy,” that’ll only get ignored.
Also: Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Steve Bannon
If I were current press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, I’d soon be worried about my sweaters, which are always wrinkled on television, or something else superficial. I wouldn’t be shocked if 45 decided to eventually treat her the way her brother did that family pet of theirs (since she wants to talk about morality). She may be confidently condescending when speaking to reports, but all she does is stand there and essentially say, “I haven’t talked to the president about that.” That’s going to get old fast for 45, who prefers his lies with remixes (real remixes like you heard in the 1990s, not the bullshit these children get now).
Lastly, if I were chief strategist Steve Bannon, I wouldn’t get too comfortable sitting in my chair (and, I don’t know, sucking my own cock?). Yes, you’re the key to his base, Grand Wizard, but haven’t you already been threatened with firing before? No. 45 gon’ get rid of you in due time, too. He’ll just snuggle next to Sinclair Broadcasting soon after.
In the meantime, I will keep laughing at all of them because it’s the only way to deal with the reality that we’re having to suffer with this incredibly terrible American remake of King Ralph solely because white folks wanted to feel good about being white again. #MAGA.
